The Grand Scheme of Things
by keyascribe
Summary: How the Sanzo Ikkou changed their clothes. Oddly angst free!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: Being neither Kazuya Minekura or Cheng'en Wu ,I really really really don't own Saiyuki or Journey to the West.

**Rating** for Gojyo's vocabulary.

**Spoilers** for . . . what they wear in Reload, I guess.

**A/N **A living reminder that some stories can have no – I mean, need no – justification.

The Grand Scheme of Things,

or, How the Sanzo Ikkou Changed Their Clothes

by keyascribe

I. Might as well blame Gojyo

Later, Gokuu would say it was Gojyo's fault and Gojyo would say it was Sanzo's and Sanzo would say _shut up or I will shoot you,_ which meant 'it's always one of you idiots' fault', and Hakkai would raise his hands placatingly and say _Maa, maa, _which, this being Hakkai, could mean absolutely anything.

But it _ was _ Gojyo who stared up at the statue of Kanzeon Botatsu and said, "Damn, they did it again: no real tits and matronly as my grandmother." And it was Sanzo who sniffed and quoted in that particular 'knowledge annoys Gojyo' tone, "'The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances'." And Gokuu admittedly did say "Wha???" which admittedly did prompt Hakkai to summarize: "It's another way of saying 'don't judge a book by its cover'."

"Eh?" Gokuu blinked his golden eyes, like a very rapid shuttering and unshuttering of light. "Books?"

"Ah, well, it's not meant to be taken quite that literally, Gokuu. It simply means that we can't know everything about a thing at first glance. For example Sanzo may look, um . . . "

"Like a pissy thinks-he's-so-superior priest?" Gojyo supplied not quite helpfully. "Sounds like the cover fits the book just fine."

"Ahahaha," Hakkai not quite agreed. "Well, perhaps what we should be saying is that to understand a person, one must walk a mile in their shoes."

"Or in Sanzo-sama's case, walk a mile in their dress," Gojyo chipped in again. "Who knows, maybe even Hakkai would turn pissy if he had to spend all day in leather underwear –"

At which point Sanzo's warning shot did, _perhaps_, come a little irreverently close to the serenely sitting statue.

So perhaps there _were _provocations. But really, in the end, they all had to agree that the goddess of mercy had waaay too much time on hir hands.

The next morning, Gokuu woke lazily. He was hungry because he was always hungry, but this morning it didn't seem a very pressing need. With a huge yawn, he opened his bleary eyes and saw red.

Hakkai woke feeling a little stiff and craving cigarettes.

Gojyo woke feeling oddly refreshed. He wasn't in the mood for cigarettes, but when he opened his eyes, something was blurry.

Sanzo didn't want to wake, but he was hungry, hungry like he had rarely been, so hungry that the need for something – anything – was like a punch to the gut, an emotion.

Gokuu stared at the crimson hair hanging in front of his eyes. "Uh?" he said.

Hakkai carefully raised his hands and studied the tight black leather wrapping itself along his forearms. "Ahaha," he murmured to himself.

Gojyo grasped his ear and felt the smooth, utterly cool metal. "What the hell?" he asked the world in general.

Sanzo sat clenched on the bed with the weight – no, not quite weight, but presence - of the diadem and thought, with all his might: _someone's going to die for this. _

With varying degrees of panic, bemusement, irritation and intent to kill, the Sanzo ikkou ran out of their rooms and stared at themselves.

"Waaaaaah!" Gojyo yelled, pointing wildly at Gokuu. "It's me!"

"Ah for fuck's sake," Hakkai scowled, hands instinctively searching his costume for cigarettes even as he glared at Gojyo, "whoever's in there, stop making me jump around like a moron."

"Now, now," said Sanzo gently, his voice full of calm and reason and patience, "please let's not panic."

There was a pause.

"That," Hakkai said after a moment, "is goddamn freaky."

"Uh huh," Gojyo agreed vigorously, nodding his head so enthusiastically that the red hair waved like streamers. "That's way too nice for Sanzo."

Instinctively, all three turned to the scowling, sour-faced fourth member of the band. Gokuu glared at them like a short, scruffy, embodiment of the desire to kill. "Uresai," he said flatly.

"Well!" said Sanzo brightly after a moment. "I suppose we all know who we are, now. Shall we all continue to sort this out over breakfast?"

"Breakfast!" Gojyo shouted immediately, suddenly looking happier than he _ever _had before, even in the company of attractive and loose-moraled women. "Woohoo! I'm soooooo hungry!" With a whoop, he bounded up and away in a flurry of red hair and long legs.

"Oi, no you're not-" Hakkai yelled, scrambling after the disappearing kappa. "Dammit, Gokuu, if you start eating like you normally do you're going to put me in the hospital!"

"Gokuu," Sanzo called politely after them, "please remember that in Gojyo's body you're significantly taller than normal and so doorways–"

There was a loud thump, followed by the impact of a body hitting the floor.

"Well, I guess this will take some getting used to," Sanzo observed mildly to Gokuu's body as they followed the path of their more exuberant (and in Gojyo's case currently semi-concussed) comrades.

"I'm going to kill them both," the boy muttered darkly.

"Please wait at least until I get my own body back from Gojyo," Sanzo requested impeturbably. "Otherwise I'll have to stay where I am, and Gojyo was right, the leather is a little tight."

Gokuu shot him a look that, since it was a foot lower than it usually was, didn't have quite the proper effect. "I'm so glad someone is enjoying this," he snarled, sounding, against all medical fact, like he needed a nicotine fix.

Gojyo was on the ground, moaning piteously. He had apparently slammed so vigorously into the slow doorway to the hotel's restaurant that the impact had cut Gojyo's headband in two.

"Owwwwwww," he moaned.

"My headband!" Hakkai howled, lifting one leg to stomp on Gojyo's prone form. "You stupid ape, you owe me a new headband!"

"It's not my fault you're so stupidly tall, ero-kappa!"

"Bakazaru!"

"Ero-kappa-cockroach!"

"Excuse me," Sanzo cut in smoothly, smiling slightly _perhaps_ because he had just gotten to watch himself stomp on Gojyo's head. "Gokuu, I would appreciate it if you refrained from calling Gojyo such names while he's in my body. And Gojyo, please remember any injuries you inflict on Gokuu while he is inhabiting _your_ body, will in fact simply cause you inconvenience later. Er . . . yes?" he added, as he realized the other three were staring at him with expressions of somewhat morbid (and in Gokuu's case incredibly annoyed) fascination.

"It's just really weird," Gojyo said.

"Yeah, I didn't even know the exalted Sanzo-sama _could _smile," Hakkai said frankly.

"Ahahahaha, said Sanzo.

They all flinched.

"Don't," growled Gokuu, "_ever_ make me do that again."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: Being neither Kazuya Minekura or Cheng'en Wu ,I really really really don't own Saiyuki or Journey to the West.

**Rating** for Gojyo..

**Spoilers** for . . . what they wear in Reload, I guess.

**A/N **I love all four of these guys, so please don't think I'm singling out anyone other for mockery because they all get their share.

The Grand Scheme of Things,

or, How the Sanzo Ikkou Changed Their Clothes

II. A different take on yaoi

So, Sanzo was in Gokuu's body, Gokuu was in Gojyo, Gojyo was Hakkai and Hakkai was Sanzo.

Less than adroit in their new bodies, Gokuu fell off his chair twice while trying to figure out what to do with so many extra inches of leg, Gojyo dropped half of his food onto his chest while working out the slight depth perception problem Hakkai's prosthetic eye created, Sanzo radiated indignation at now being the shortest, youngest, goofiest one of the group, and Hakkai to the horror of group, behaved exactly like a priest should – thankful, humble and generally nice.

"So this is what traveling with a priest should be like," Gojyo crowed, watching Hakkai politely thank the innkeeper for his quick service. The innkeeper himself, having had a good taste of the real Sanzo the night before, seemed slightly confused but decidedly captivated. In fact, Hakkai's habitual good manners combined with Sanzo's handsome looks were threatening to make converts out of the entire restaurant.

"Naa, Hakkai," Gokuu said around a mouthful of food (and, without the headband, some hair) as Hakkai ate with his customary tidiness, apparently impervious to the golden-eyed Glares of Death that Sanzo was throwing at him in payment to making his body appear cheerful, pleasant and even saintly. "See if he'll give us free food cause you're acting so Sanzo-y."

"Nah, forget that," Gojyo countered, leaning around the table to wink some of the prettier girls in the room, "convince the women to tag along with us on our holy pilgrimage."

Having been banned from his customary "ahahaha" response, Hakkai was forced to settle for looking pained at seeing his body flirt so outrageously, although whether he felt more pained or less because the women obviously had no objection to it, was uncertain.

On the table, a careful distance between Hakkai and Gojyo, Hakuryuu kyuu'd plaintively. The little dragon evidently knew Hakkai was in Sanzo, but didn't want to snuggle up to the monk's body (a fact that Gojyo found hilarious). Neither did Hakuryuu seem partial to settling on Hakkai's body when it was being inhabited by Gojyo (a fact that Gokuu found side splitting). Hakkai claimed only to be worried that the white dragon was too upset to eat, but of the four of them he definitely seemed the most amused by the whole situation.

With a mournful sigh, Gokuu pushed back the rest of his fourth helping. "How come if you're only ever this hungry you always steal food from me?" he complained to the kappa. "I absolutely need it way more than you!"

"Speaking of food," Hakkai said worriedly, looking up from his latest attempt to tempt Hakuryuu to eat, "Sanzo, shouldn't you have some more? That's barely what you eat in your normal body."

"I'm fine," Sanzo said flatly, golden eyes narrowed into slits of irritation.

"But Sanzo . . . ."

"Uresei!"

Gokuu looked dolefully at the delicately sized amount of food on Sanzo's plate. "Hakkaiiiiiii," he whined in Gojyo's deep tones, "Sanzo's gonna starve me to death!"

Sanzo scowled dangerously as one hand instinctively went for his harisen, then froze. There was a still moment, then Hakkai coughed politely. "Is this what you were looking for?" he asked, handing over the paper fan.

Or rather, handing it down; it suddenly struck Gojyo that to hit either of them, Sanzo would now have to stand on tip toes and jump.

"Gojyo," Hakkai said in a long-suffering voice, "please don't snigger like that. It really doesn't suit me."

As regally as Gokuu's face could manage – which wasn't very – Sanzo set down the fan and took a final decisive bite of the small breakfast he had chosen. Looking stricken, Gokuu watched the tiny morsel being chewed with agonizing precision.

"But I'm so huuuuuuuuungry," he whined.

"You just said you were full, bakazaru," Gojyo pointed out, flashing a toothy 'look at my pretty green eyes' grin at the ladies. Hakkai winced almost imperceptibly.

"Me-you is full," Gokuu said shaking his head dolefully, "but me-Sanzo is so hunnnnnnnnngry! I can _tell_!"

They all looked at Sanzo again. He folded his arms stubbornly. "I will kill you all," he said.

"You know," Gojyo mused, "when Gokuu says that, it's almost kind of cute."

"Die," hissed Sanzo, but since Hakkai had not elected to hand over his gun, he could only amp up the scowl to Disembowel At Three Paces.

"Yes, there is rather a different effect, isn't there?" Hakkai agreed, studying the murderous priest-in-a-monkey. Gokuu looked at himself dubiously, apparently unsure if being called cute was an insult or not, especially if it wasn't exactly him that was being called it.

The experiment in whether or not the full force of Sanzo's ire could in fact generate enough stress in Gokuu's body to crack open the boy's diadem, was interrupted as one of the waitresses came to clear the last dishes.

"Will there be anything else, Sanzo-sama?" she asked with a simper that made Gojyo indulge in a very unHakkai-like expression.

Hakkai bowed serenely. "It was delicious meal. We thank you for your kindness," he said pleasantly.

The nerve above Gokuu's eye twitched.

The waitress blushed. "As gracious as only a true Sanzo could be," she said admiringly and rushed off, tittering.

"Hey, is it just me or is that plain creepy?" Gojyo whispered, leaning against a table and following the short skirt of the waitress out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, but you making Hakkai into a perv is creepy too," Gokuu pointed out peevishly. "And . . . ."

Instinctively, they all turned back Sanzo, who was radiating the kind of intense hatred of everything in the world that made icily pretty features look regally disdainful, but made Gokuu's open visage just look, well, apish.

"I don't really look like that, do I?" Gokuu asked pitifully.

"Aha-er, that is, I suppose we none of us are exactly ourselves right now," Hakkai said comfortingly, and, out of habit, smiled.

Everyone at the table flinched.

"Oi! Hakkai! We keep saying don't do that!" Gojyo said desperately waving a hand in front of him to ward off the seriously freakish vision of Sanzo-sama . . .smiling benevolently.

"Ahah-ah, I mean, yes, my apologies. I suppose habit is a difficult thing to break," Hakkai said supplicatingly but simultaneously shooting Gojyo a significant look that implied Gojyo's own habits weren't exactly anything he wanted his body to be engaging in. "And no cigarettes, please," he added as Gojyo automatically pulled out a stick from the packet he had liberated from Gokuu earlier.

Gojyo scowled, which on Hakkai was at least as bizarre-looking as Sanzo smiling. Well, almost.

"How come I can't do anything?" he pouted. "It's not like I'm always telling the bakazaru not to do stupid things in _my_ body."

Sanzo muttered something about not blaming Gojyo's lack of self-respect on others while Gokuu bounced forward in his chair and demanded to know what kind of things Gojyo was talking about.

Gojyo rolled his eyes dramatically (Hakkai winced again). "Like acting all goofy and totally unsuave," he explained. "You know, like_ you- _ cause everything you do is stupid."

"Like you act any different!" Gokuu hollered back.

Gojyo jumped up and slammed one foot on the table in full fighting-with-Gokuu mode. "Are you kidding me, bakazaru? I am the goddamned epitome of cool!"

"Hey no fair, you can't call me that if I can't call you anything back!" Gokuu protested.

"Ha ha, baka baka bakaaaasaruuuuuu," Gojyo jeered, sticking out his tongue as he avoided Gokuu's attempts to tackle him. Gojyo, traditionally the slowest one of the group, seemed to be finding Hakkai's body quite light on its feet, while Gokuu still hadn't quite adjusted to his current height.

"Oh my," Hakkai said as he watched Gokuu make an abortive lunge that landed him across the table of their fellow diners. "This seems to be getting a little out of hand. Perhaps I should have warned Gojyo that full youkai blood, even when restrained, can become rather easily . . . agitated."

Sanzo shot him(self) a look that said he wouldn't forget that particular fact. But: "They're always like this," he said dismissively. "You just don't like seeing your body dance around like a fool."

"That may be it, true," Hakkai admitted, watching Gojyo make a leap for the inn's candelabrum and start swinging as Gokuu tried to pull him off.

Sanzo shrugged. "Don't look at me, you're the one with the gun."

"Ah, yes," Hakkai said thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose when in Rome . . . ."

It was, perhaps, some sixth sense that had been specially honed through time with Sanzo, which made the two rowdiest members of the group suddenly freeze in mid grapple with a chill premonition. Slowly, they turned to see Sanzo aiming the Smith & Wesson at them with a careful, rebuking expression as if regretting the necessity but not about to shirk from it. And while they often saw Sanzo behind a barrel aimed their way (although usually with a more murderous aura), the thing about this Sanzo was that he was really Hakkai and neither Gojyo nor Gokuu could quite believe that Hakkai would ever miss.

.03 seconds later, Hakkai cheerfully uncocked the gun as the two delinquent members quivered with perfect behavior in their chairs. With a polite gesture, he handed the gun over to Sanzo, who looked slightly disgruntled, perhaps because they rarely showed quite so much fear of being shot by him, or perhaps because he might have been looking forward to vicariously watching himself shoot at Hakkai.

"Well then," Hakkai said brightly, "all this is most interesting, but I wonder if we should start focusing on how to rectify our particular situation?" 

"Especially considering that Hakkai's face is getting more of a workout than it's had in years," Sanzo observed dourly.

"And of course we're all worried that Sanzo's body might sustain permanent injury if I forget myself and attempt a smile," Hakkai returned a trifle icily.

"Oooo," crowed Gojyo happily, "that's the first time he's actually gotten pissy enough to look like Sanzo."

"Gokuu," Hakkai said, deciding not to hear Gojyo's last comment, "you seem to have porridge in your hair."

"Ewww," Gokuu complained, staring cross-eyed at the gooey red strands. "Gojyo, your hair is too long!"

"That's why I don't go around rolling in food, dummy," Gojyo pointed out, swatting him lightly. "Unless a girl is really into that."

With steely self-restraint, Hakkai did not sigh and instead turned to address Sanzo.

"I am right in thinking that until we adjust more to this situation – and hopefully find a way to reverse it – we should stay in one place?" he asked in an even tone that in no way promised Gojyo painfully nasty retribution if the kappa kept saying loudly lecherous things in his body.

Sanzo grunted.

"Look! Sanzo is talking monkey!" Gojyo snickered.

"There is also the fact," Hakkai manfully continued as if he hadn't heard, "that we are, for the most part, currently weaponless. At least, I suspect we are. My chi channeling depends on spirit and body being in harmony; I doubt I could do much in Sanzo's body. And I suspect it's the same for Sanzo's use of the MatenKyo, not to mention Gojyo and Gokuu's abilities to summon their weapons. So other than Sanzo's gun-" he flashed a certain sliver of smile that made Gojyo and Gokuu shift uncomfortably – "we are somewhat . . . . hampered in the battling arena."

"Fine," Sanzo decided, eyes flattening into Sanzo No. 26 If Any of You Do Anything Stupid glare. "We stay here tonight and head back to the temple tomorrow. Don't go outside unless you have to and try not to be as moronic as usual."

"Gokuu," Hakkai added, "since it appears you will need a bath, Gojyo can clean his and my clothes, which seem to have become rather food . . . accessorized. Oh, and also Gokuu's pants, they've been needing it since that tussle with the youkai the other day."

"Oi, but Hakkai—"

"After all," Hakkai cut Gojyo's protest off with a touch of something not quite malicious in his voice that suited Sanzo's tones well, "I _am_ the one who usually does the laundry."

"Yeah, but you also do the cooking and shopping and driving and everything else, too," Gokuu pointed out.

"Hmmm, do I?" Hakkai wondered neutrally.

Suddenly, Gojyo saw a whole new reason for changing back to his body as fast as possible.

Gokuu blinked perplexedly, his expression somehow making Gojyo's crimson eyes bigger and rounder and more confused than they had ever been before. "So if Gojyo has to do what Hakkai usually does . . . do I have to play cards and smoke and drink all night and chase after women?"

The four men at the table took a minute to imagine Gokuu attempting to be like Gojyo.

"No."

" . . .No."

"Hell no!"

Gokuu considered this. "Then . . . can I have another meatbun?"

Sanzo's gold eyes turned from irritation to almost wistful. "If I shot him now," he murmured, fingering the gun, "I could take care of both of the two pains in our ass with only one bullet."

Hakkai laughed. "Aha—er, uh, oops. My apologies."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: Being neither Kazuya Minekura or Cheng'en Wu ,I really really really don't own Saiyuki or Journey to the West.

**Rating** for occasional vocabulary.

**Spoilers** for . . . what they wear in Reload, I guess.

**A/N **However, if you don't already know the change in clothes/colors in Reload, this won't make a lot of sense. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!! I'm really happy. It gets quite silly now.

The Grand Scheme of Things,

or, How the Sanzo Ikkou Changed Their Clothes

III. Meandering toward Reload

Gojyo looked up from the tub, now filled with soapy water and clothes, that he had borrowed from the innkeeper ("Anything for a friend of the reverend Sanzo-sama!") and watched himself approach across the courtyard of the inn. He had to admit that even when he wasn't inhabiting it, his body was one sexy beast. Except for the stupid Gokuu look on the well-chiseled features and . . .

Gojyo looked more carefully.

The sun had reached a noon arc in the sky and shone down luxuriously on . . . .

. . . Gojyo's . . . .

. . . .Gojyo's long, very red . . . .

"My hair!" Gojyo- well, in deference to Hakkai we won't say shrieked. "What the hell did you do to my HAIR?"

"I just washed it," Gokuu said defensively as Gojyo bolted over to himself and began shake his own shoulders furiously.

"With _what_?!" the kappa demanded half-hysterically.

"I don't know, some shampoo that was in the shower." Gokuu looked confusedly at the damp hair falling before his eyes. "What's the problem?"

"The PROBLEM," Gojyo roared, "is that you just DYED MY HAIR RED!"

And there it was, the ugly (or at least rather less magenta-tinted) truth. Whether by a freak reaction between Gojyo's hair and dyes of the shampoo Gokuu had just used, or whether Gojyo had simply been unknowingly using products with a high level of Blue Dye No. 3 all these years, his hair was now undeniably . . . .very . . . very . . . _red._

"But . . . your hair is always red," Gokuu whined.

"NOT THAT COLOR RED!" Gojyo looked distraught, which was, for once, an expression Hakkai's face did pretty well. "My entire personality is wrapped up in that hair. How do you think I feel if some stupid APE goes off and changes the color?"

"What, like you think you have to angst less now or something?" Gokuu said sarcastically.

Gojyo sat down heavily. "This sucks," he moaned, and banged his head into his hands hard.

There was a small tinkle of broken glass.

"OHHHH!" Gokuu yelped. "You just broke Hakkai's –"

"Shut up," Gojyo hissed, slapping a hand over his mouth. "Just shut up. Hakkai's NOT going to find out about this."

They both shuddered a little to themselves at the mental picture of Hakkai finding out about this. Hakkai's flesh-searingly polite smiles worked well on Sanzo's face, too; and Sanzo might give him back the gun.

"What should we do?" Gokuu whispered, forgetting that technically he had nothing to do with the problem.

"You go distract them for a while," Gojyo ordered. "I'll go buy another monocle. Hakkai doesn't ever have to know we replaced it."

"Okay!" Gokuu said enthusiastically and red wet hair flying wildly, ran off in the pursuit of duty and not getting yelled out. This time he even remembered to duck going through the door.

Gojyo stared at the broken class circle in his hands. There was no need to panic, he told himself. After all, how hard could it be to find one little round monocle in a town this big?

When Gokuu asked about Hakkai, the innkeeper told him the exalted Sanzo Houshi-sama had graciously agreed to visit an orphanage and bring toys to the children. Gokuu figured that would probably be distracting enough, so he could focus on distracting the real Sanzo, instead.

Tentatively, he poked his head into the room to find himself in jeans and a t-shirt, reading the newspaper and scowling. It was weird. It was his body, obviously, but it was definitely Sanzo's scowl and posture and way of reading. It was like the two were superimposed on each other. That was kind of cool, Gokuu decided.

"Um Sanzo?"

Sanzo looked up and redirected his scowl from the paper to Gokuu. "What happened to the kappa's hair, dumbass?"

"How come everyone keeps getting to call me names?" Gokuu counter-complained, sprawling on Sanzo's unoccupied bed.

"It's not like anything's changed, monkey," Sanzo reminded him. "Besides, it's not my fault if that idiot Gojyo doesn't realize he's currently insulting himself when he calls you stupid."

Gokuu brightened. "So you're really just insulting Gojyo when you call me names today?" he asked hopefully.

Sanzo muttered something about 'two birds with one stone'.

Gokuu blinked at him in confusion. "Birds?"

Sanzo sighed irritably. "And here I didn't realize the stupid kappa could _look _any dumber than he usually does. What do you _want, _Gokuu?"

Gokuu shifted uncomfortably, because saying 'I want to distract you so you won't notice that Gojyo had to leave to buy Hakkai a new eyeglass cause Gojyo broke it when he was upset that I made his hair redder' was probably not a good idea, especially since Sanzo now had both the gun and the harisen.

Instead, he asked, "Do I feel different? I mean, does it feel different to be me?"

Sanzo's cool glare made Gokuu almost happy, because if Sanzo in Gokuu's body could look that smart, then maybe someday Gokuu in Gokuu's body could, too.

"I am _not _you," the monk (currently monkey) said precisely. "You are not that stupid kappa, and Hakkai sure as hell isn't me."

"But you're human and I'm not. Doesn't that feel any different?" Gokuu persisted.

In Gokuu's body, Sanzo wasn't tall enough to look over the top of the newspaper. He settled for folding it irritably in half and glaring at the boy.

"You feel," Sanzo capitulated in that special Sanzo way that made a kick in the face seem like a favor, "shorter. And this damn thing around your head itches."

Thoughtfully, Gokuu ingested this information. "I don't think it itches for me," he said finally.

Sanzo moved up his glare to icy. "Of course not. It's made for your brain, not mine. Why are you smiling?"

"I was just thinking that if it only itches, then maybe that means our brains aren't that much different, you know?"

"Uresai," said Sanzo, but it was one of his nicer ones.

Gojyo was back within an hour, nervously adjusting the new monocle over his eye.

"Well?" he asked Gokuu anxiously as they met in a clandestine huddle by the laundry trough.

Gokuu peered at the glass. "It's sort of . . .more oval than before, isn't it?" he asked dubiously.

"Yeah, but not _that_ much, right?" Gojyo said hopefully. "I mean, it's not really obviously a different one, right?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . . . . "

Gojyo swore. "I looked everywhere!" he groaned. "Nobody had any! What kind of weirdo only needs one goddamn half of a pair of glasses, anyway?!"

"Don't call Hakkai weird," Gokuu said reproachfully. "He's nice! He's even giving toys to orphans right now!"

Gojyo paused mid-panic. "Toys to orphans? As Sanzo-sama?" he asked bemusedly.

Gokuu nodded.

"Then I hope Hakkai won't kill me until after I see the expression on _our_ exalted Sanzo's face when he learns about it," Gojyo sighed dreamily, imagining his favorite Sanzo look that he had dubbed the Impotent Wrath of the Badass Priest. "That alone will be worth this whole messed up day."

"There's one more good thing!" Gokuu remembered happily. "The innkeeper's wife gave me this to replace the one I broke!" He brought out a strip of rust-colored material and with a flourish, tied it across his forehead. "See! It works just as well as your other one."

Gojyo looked at the headband and wondered how changing bodies had made Gokuu go completely colorblind.

"Hey monkeybrains, my other headband was blue," he pointed out. "Blue headband, blue vest, get it? They _match –_" he snarled, fishing out his shirt from the laundry as supporting evidence.

Gokuu stared at the sodden mass. "Um, Gojyo?" he asked in a small voice. "That isn't blue anymore."

Had Gojyo ever done laundry before? Could it be that being in Sanzo's nicotine-deprived body had affected Hakkai's mind to the point that he had forgotten the basic laws of housework, which was never ever let Gojyo do anything?

Whatever the tragic reason, there was no denying the result. An hour soaking with Hakkai's dark green top had left Gojyo's bright blue vest less than bright and less than blue. Who knew that after all the times Hakkai had obsessively washed bloodstains from his shirt, the green dye could still run like that? With a dull rising horror, Gojyo fished out his now permanently muddy-looking pants, Gokuu's equally smeared pants, the green shirt (thankfully not much the worse for wear) and . . . .

Gojyo and Gokuu stared silently at the newly camouflaged stretch of material that had once been Hakkai's beloved wrap.

"Get. Bleach. Now," Gojyo hissed, trying not to panic.

"Maybe we should let Hakkai try to fix it," Gokuu suggested weakly, staring at the ruins of the cloth.

"Are you kidding?" Probably never had Hakkai's face looked so disturbed at the possibility of Hakkai's existence or actions (and that's saying a lot). "It's Hakkai!" Gojyo reiterated desperately. "And he's in Sanzo's body so that means he's also needing nicotine like you need a brain."

"I'm not the one who dyed Hakkai's clothes!" Gokuu retorted defensively.

"No, you're the one who dyed my goddamn hair! So you owe me! No wait," Gojyo hesitated and changed his mind. "On second thought, my clothes are ruined, too. I'll work on Hakkai's – you go get me something new."

"Okay, okay," Gokuu agreed, scowling.

"And make it as much like my old ones as you can, stupid monkey!" Gojyo called after him.

Maybe, just maybe this could all still be salvaged.

He fingered the oblong of glass at his eye.

Yeah, he thought, right.

Gojyo wasn't really surprised when Gokuu trotted back into the courtyard half an hour later wearing nothing that even vaguely resembled Gojyo's traditional unsleeved, flamboyantly styled attire. But he summoned up enough irritation to make a decent show of it. After all, he owed it to himself.

"What kind of clothes are those?" Gojyo demanded, maximumly offended.

"I dunno," Gokuu shrugged, looking down at the sleek, warm-toned suede. " but the ladies really liked these ones."

" . . . .ladies?"

"Yeah! A whole bunch of them followed me into the store and helped me shop. I had to try on millions of clothes, including some really weird ones!"

For the first time since this crazy screw up had started – and he wasn't sure if he meant the body switch or the journey west – Gojyo fought the urge to cry. Dozens of no doubt attractive women had had a kinky dress up party with his body, and he hadn't been there to enjoy it.

Life was really far too cruel.

But at least now the headband would match.

"They even picked out new shoes for you!" Gokuu said chirpily. "Which is good, cause the ones I got _were_ almost just like the ones you had, but I forgot and bought them in my size, not yours, and then they wouldn't let me return them and didn't have your size anyway . . . "

"And why did I _need_ new shoes?" Gojyo said slowly.

In answer, Gokuu related an improbable adventure on the way to the clothes shop that involved a runaway horse, a teddy bear, and a Doberman pinscher.

Really, if Gojyo hadn't known better, he would have begun to think there was some higher power in all this.

And Hakkai's sash still wasn't white again.

Perhaps Sanzo had been using the afternoon to surreptitiously practice a modified-for-Gokuu's-face glare of death. At any rate, the look he tossed at Gokuu and Gojyo as they re-entered his hotel room seemed to have increased in effectiveness since the morning. Maybe it was just hunger bringing out the inner Sanzo in Gokuu.

"What," he snapped.

"Like the new threads?" Gojyo asked, displaying Gokuu, because while that wasn't what he had come there for, any chance to annoy Sanzo was a good chance.

Sanzo looked mildly disgusted. "Don't drag me into your sick narcissistic self-dress up games," he ordered flatly.

"But Sanzo-sama," Gojyo cooed, "all the ladies said they love them. So I figured since you're practically a woman yourself, you'd be in a flutter to see them yourse—"

The bullet came so close Gojyo could actually feel it pass.

"You nearly hit me!" he hollered, outraged. "You could have scarred Hakkai for life!"

"Having you in there has probably already scarred him for life," Sanzo shot back. He studied the gun and shrugged, looking not at all repentant. "I guess haven't had much experience aiming as Gokuu. Want me to practice some more?"

"Nooooooo," Gojyo and Gokuu both shivered. "I just wanted to ask the oh so exalted Sanzo-saru for his kind and gracious help," Gojyo continued, which was probably not a good way to avoid being used for target practice.

Maybe Sanzo was getting bored with just pouting alone in his room all day, however, because he simply raised his eyebrow in a "What?" formation. Unfortunately, everything really did look cute on Gokuu. Gojyo had to resist the urge to ruffle the monk(ey)'s hair.

"You wear these same damn ring things," he said instead, holding up Hakkai's sleeve holders.

Sanzo looked at them without interest. "So?"

"So how do you freakin' get them on?"

Gojyo had from time to time idly wondered how exactly Sanzo stood the leather, not to mention the jangling bamboo chestplate and the wimpy sandals. He was also silently waiting for the moment that he knew must be coming, when Gokuu accidentally speared something with those crazy spikes on his cape. But while he was well aware of the peculiarities of Sanzo and Gokuu's dress (after all, he spent most of every day with nothing to do but stare at them – in a totally platonic non-lecherous way, obviously) he had never before realized how odd a costume Hakkai had.

Okay, there was the sash thing. He sometimes wondered why it didn't get caught in every closing door. But Gojyo had simply never noticed how freaky hard Hakkai's tunic was to get on him. Not that he had ever tried to get it off him, either – and why was this interior monologue constantly trying to make him gay?

_The point was _that Hakkai's tunic was kind of like Hakkai himself; it looked simple and contained, but really required a lot of hard work to look so easy. Gojyo had gotten over the first hurdle, which was the absurd length of the damn shirt, by not bothering to stuff it into his pants and just letting it fall loose over Hakkai's hips. It covered Hakkai's butt that way – not that Gojyo cared, dammit, he was just recording the facts – but it added a sexy swirl to the way Hakkai (or at least the way Gojyo in Hakkai) walked, and the innkeeper's daughter had already registered her approval. So that was all right, because Hakkai really needed to relax about that kind of thing.

Which just left the sleeves. Gojyo had already accidentally ripped off one of the buttons that did up Hakkai's green half-sleeves, but he was hoping Hakkai would think he had just left them undone out of laziness and sex appeal (see above thoughts on sexy swirl vs. polite and orderly clothing) and wouldn't realize they had actually been broken until much, much later when Gojyo could attempt to pin the blame on some rampaging youkai attackers.

The rings, however, were a different matter. Hakkai would notice right away if they were gone. And Gojyo had spent the last ten minutes cursing and completely not managing to figure out how they worked.

Methodically, Sanzo took in the loosened shirt, the altered monocle, and the damp and now slightly cream-colored wrap. "Is there a reason you look like you're attempting to badly cosplay Hakkai?" he asked expressionlessly.

"It's a new style," Gojyo lied defensively. "I'm _helping_ _out._"

Sanzo snorted. "Dressing up yourself-" he indicated Gokuu – "is one thing. But playing dress up with Hakkai's body is –"

"Shut up, damn monkey ass monk!" Gojyo yelled, blushing. "It's not like that. And Hakkai needs to loosen up anyway, so there."

Sanzo's sneer amplified on the childishness of _so there_, but he didn't pursue the point. Maybe he actually agreed with the kappa about Hakkai; more likely, he was just looking forward to the misery Hakkai would subtly heap upon Gojyo once things were back to normal.

So instead of saying anything, Sanzo simply took the two metallic rings and pressed just the right place to open them, then gathered one loose black sleeve and pressed the open ring together. Instead of a click, the circle popped open again. Sanzo frowned and pressed down again, harder. Nothing. He tried once more, scowling, and perhaps Gokuu was a tad bit stronger than Sanzo, because instead of a click this time, there was a tiny groan of metal and the metal ring twisted and snapped in two.

"Ohhhhh," breathed Gojyo, caught between ecstatic joy and shitless terror, "look what you diiiiiddddddd."

There was a long, long pause. Then, slowly, Sanzo let the loose black sleeve drop. "It's," he said, with steel inserted into every word, "a new style."

Gojyo's half-hysterical laughter was interrupted by Sanzo's final words.

"And when Hakkai asks, it's your fault."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: Being neither Kazuya Minekura or Cheng'en Wu ,I really really really don't own Saiyuki or Journey to the West.

**Rating** for occasional vocabulary.

**Spoilers** for . . . what they wear in Reload?

**Warnings**: Slight digression into the personalities of the original Journey to the West characters.

**A/N **Wrapping things up. As for the fact that Hakkai's _eye color actually_ _changed_ along with his clothing. . .we'll just put that down to the different quality of sunshine as they head West . . .yeah . . . .

The Grand Scheme of Things,

or, How the Sanzo Ikkou Changed Their Clothes

IV. At least they didn't get haircuts

Hakkai didn't return back to the inn until early evening.

The other three members of the group had whiled away the rest of the afternoon by a) alternately appreciating the way Gojyo's new clothes outlined his hotness and worrying about how dead he was going to be when Hakkai returned; b) eating even though he wasn't all that hungry, and worrying about whether Hakkai would blame him, too, when he returned; and c) rereading the newspaper and absolutely refusing to comment on clothes, to eat, or to look like he was at all worried about what was going to happen when Hakkai returned.

They heard his voice downstairs; two of the three shivered.

They heard his heavy footsteps as he climbed the stairs . They started another shiver, then broke off and looked at each other in puzzlement.

"Oi," Gojyo said, "why can we hear him walking up the stairs? Bouzo has those pansy slippers; they're too light to make noise."

Perhaps this day was unnerving Sanzo as well – or perhaps he was finally succumbing to starvation – but he didn't bother to react to Gojyo's characterization of his normal footwear. Instead, along with the other two, he simply watched the door.

Hakkai entered the room. There was neither a streak of well-timed lightening, a roll of thunder, or any noise resembling a dramatic _DOKUN_ sound . . . . but there should have been.

Instead, there was a very long, very loud, very shocked silence.

Sanzo broke it first.

" . . . . What Are Those on my _feet_?" he demanded in his most sullen tone (Gokuu did sullen well, also).

Hakkai obviously had his own questions. Droopy purple eyes widened at Gojyo's new attire, went even wider and glazed slightly at his own body's altered look, then with an effort refocused on Sanzo's feet – which were now well-covered with sturdy boots.

"Ah, yes," Hakkai murmured, seeming to struggle not to continue staring at the re-dressed members of the Sanzo-ikkou. "I was rescuing a kitten who was stranded in a nearby bog, and well, perhaps I did forget that you - I– was only wearing sandals," he admitted, stealing another glance at Gojyo. "And unfortunately the stalls here have a limited number of shoes in the right size . . . ."

"Rescuing a kitten?" Sanzo echoed is a sickened tone

"Yes, after visiting the Old Age Home to organize a sing-a-long, I was on my way to the orphanage in order to distribute a few presents – I'm sure the Three Aspects wouldn't mind such a use of their Gold Card – and—"

Sanzo looked increasingly nauseous and/or bloodthirsty as Hakkai's list of good deeds continued.

"-and then after I had saved little Elsie from the flood and helped her grandparents pay the mortgage on their farm, I realized it was getting late so I came back here," Hakkai concluded pleasantly.

Gojyo was impressed that Sanzo's head just didn't explode there and then.

Instead, the priest took in Hakkai's loose sleeves, Gojyo's new color scheme and finally the rather sturdy boots adorning his own body's feet. "We," he said flatly, "are going the hell back to that damn temple NOW."

Having decided that Hakkai wasn't blaming him for any of the new clothing, Gokuu was in a pretty good mood as, three minutes after Sanzo's pronouncement, the four members of the Sanzo-ikkou headed out of the inn toward the waiting Jiipu.

"Ha, hey guess what?" he laughed. "I guess I'm the only one who didn't get anything messed up. Well, except for my pants ::cough cough:: _Gojyo_."

"Too bad," muttered Gojyo, "cause you've got the weirdest clothes of all of us."

"Hmm, yes," said Hakkai in a tone that Gojyo didn't find particularly reassuring.

"Ha," Gokuu said again, squatting down to give the inn's dog, sprawled out enjoying the last vestiges of the day's sun, a final goodbye pet, "it just means my stuff is the coolest so I don't need to change!"

"Hmm, yes," said Hakkai again, a somewhat distant look in his eyes. Gojyo cleared his throat uncomfortably.

As if on cue, the dog barked. Gokuu looked delighted. "See? He agrees with me!" he giggled.

"Stupid mutt," Sanzo muttered. Apparently feeling the same way about him, the dog began to growl. Sanzo made a kicking motion at it with one leg. The dog lunged and sank teeth into his jeans.

There was a loud ripping sound.

A large ragged strip of blue material floated gently down to the ground.

"Wow, nature speaks," Gojyo said, impressed.

"Wah!" Gokuu yelled, shocked. "My jeans just got turned into kulaks! That's . . . " he trailed off and shrugged, because it's not like fashion was ever a priority for the monkey boy, " . . . cool."

"Great, at least one of us is happy," Sanzo said acidly.

"Hmm, yes," commented Hakkai.

Gojyo decided it was probably best to walk on the other side of the group from Hakkai, for a while.

The drive back to the temple was an uncharacteristically quiet affair. This was partly because Gojyo felt stupid fighting with himself, and Gokuu felt bad fighting with Hakkai, even if it was Hakkai with Gojyo's smirk . . . but mostly, they were all waiting, instinctively, for Sanzo to say It. And Sanzo was curled up in the passenger seat, cape wrapped sullenly around his tense shoulders and mouth compressing into a tighter line than any of the other three would have ever believed it was possible for Gokuu to achieve.

They knew the look, of course; it was the "I Would Rather Die Than –" look that Sanzo got when he was being . . well, the polite word was 'stubborn'. He was obviously damned if he was going to say It.

Hakkai had tried, once, quietly to help him – or maybe to tempt him. Hakkai had a way of being kind, when he was irritated, that was downright cruel. "There are sandwiches in the back," he had suggested.

In response, Sanzo had sent him Stubborn Glare Number 37 – which worked surprisingly well on Gokuu – and muttered something disparaging about sing alongs.

Gokuu was squirming as usual, but with his currently long legs and lean body, his squirms took up a lot more of the backseat than Gojyo was willing to give, especially since every time he had to avoid his own arms or hair, the monocle fell off his eye and he had to grope around in the lap of his best friend to find it. Why the hell didn't Hakkai ever lose it? Did the man use superglue or something?

Finally reaching the temple, Hakkai politely distracted the priests while Sanzo stomped into the main temple and spent quite a while having a "moment of prayer" (as Hakkai politically described the scraps of screaming rant that drifted out from the temple) with the benevolent Kanzeon Botatsu, goddess of mercy and exalted of heaven.

As the evening wore on, one of the monks, who confessed himself to be an aspiring writer, spent several long hours listening with awe to the Sanzo-ikkou (minus the monkey) and the stories of their Journey to the West.

By midnight, Sanzo had worn Gokuu's voice hoarse and they all retired to their beds for the night.

When they awoke, they saw what they expected to see.

"Much better," sighed Hakkai happily.

"About damn time!" Gojyo crowed.

"Someday I'm going to kill that bitch," muttered Sanzo.

"Is it time for breakfast yet?" begged Gokuu hopefully.

They were back to themselves. And had they learned anything from this exercise in empathy and their experience of forced bounding?

Of course not.

Back to his usual non-morning person self, (and after smoking two packs straight through to make up for the last day) Gojyo staggered outside just as the jeep was leaving and in his beloved familiar form slumped happily into his familiar place in the backseat.

They drove down the road in silence for a while, enjoying not being other people.

"Hey, Gojyo, did it feel different to be in Hakkai's body?" Gokuu asked musingly after a while. "I mean cause he's a full youkai and has limiters and everything. And he doesn't smoke!"

"What, are you trying to imply I felt weaker than you? "

Gokuu schrunched up his face in thought. "Not exactly . . . it was more, like in some ways you felt heavier, but in other ways not as heavy."

Gojyo snorted. "Yeah, I was heavier down there cause I'm a man, ape boy, and I was not as heavy up here cause you're used to toting around a head of solid rock!"

Sanzo was rubbing his jaw again.

"What happened, bouzo," Gojyo called happily out over Gokuu's spluttering reply, cause it was damn good to be himself, and he could hardly wait for the next town to try out his new clothes, "did all that smiling Hakkai did wear our your jaw? Your muscles have got to be pretty flabby never getting the exercise and all."

"You want a smile?" Sanzo bared his teeth. "That's the one I'm keeping for after I shoot you."

"Ahahahahaha," said Hakkai, indulging in the luxury of an extra long aha. So far, he seemed to have adapted to his new style with remarkable grace – possibly because it really was more comfortable – but Gojyo had caught him looking through costume rental magazines and was a little nervous about what the green-eyed man might have in store for them . . . .

Gokuu just beamed happily because as Hakkai had pointed out the day before, there were extra sandwiches in the back.

And thus querulous peace was restored

Far above, or beyond, or around the world on which the Sanzo-ikkou drove and argued about who should get the most sandwiches because they were starving, Kanzeon Botatsu leaned back in hir chair with a smirk. "Finally," se murmured, toying with hir bangles. "I thought they'd never change those outfits."

"K-kanzeon Botatsu-sama," the loyal and forever surprised Jiroshin stuttered. "Don't tell me that changing their souls and bodies was not a method to teach them empathy with one another, but was in fact merely done because you've gotten bored with their usual clothing?!"

Kanzeon shrugged. "Can't it be both? Although I was hoping Tenpou would finally loosen up and show some skin. . . . I'm disappointed Kenren would waste an opportunity like that."

"Kanzeon Botatsu-sama! This is a serious mission upon which the fate of Tenjiku might very well hang! NOT an excuse to watch four attractive young men dress up!" Jiroshin said sternly.

Kanzeon grinned slightly. "Like I said, can't it be both?" Hir grin widened as se gazed fondly down at the bouncing, rattling jeep, in the backseat of which a fight had already broken out. "Oh well, maybe we'll try again in a few years."

The priest Cheng'en Wu sat at his writing table with eyes aglow and mind spinning. Ever since his illuminating conversation with the Sanzo-ikkou about their noble cause and hair-raising adventures, he had been writing frantically, ideas spilling onto the parchment so rapidly he had hardly been able to sleep for days.

Now let's see, the most important thing was to get the characters right . . . .there had been the benevolent and soft-spoken Sanzo, of course, retiring but ruling the others with a strict hand. He had seemed to have been wounded in several stories, needing to be protected by the others, which made sense given how mild and pacifistic he seemed.

The follower Cho Hakkai, on the other hand, had seemed of somewhat crude disposition, inclined to fighting over food and making rude comments to his fellow companions (although of course never to Sanzo!) He had mentioned using some kind of scythe-like weapon at one point – perhaps it was a farming tool, like a rake? He was also apparently quite woman-obsessed and uneducated.

Sha Gojyo had seemed the least authoritative of the group. He mostly appeared to complain, but went along with the others. He and Cho Hakkai did not seem to be overly friendly. He evidently used a weapon as well, but when pressed for clarification, they had only said that Sha Gojyo used a sha-ju while Son Gokuu, at least, used some kind of magically expanding and disappearing pole.

The fourth member of the party, the mysterious Son Gokuu had, regrettably, been sequestered in the temple for the duration of the conversations. He must have had quite powerful, however, to speak so long with the reverend Kanzeon. He seemed to be the leader of the group, as well; Sanzo had certainly treated him with deference at the evening meal, asking him about plans for the next day.

Son Gokuu had seemed intelligent if confrontational. He had treated Cho Hakkai and Sha Gojyo with contempt, but had been warily civil to Sanzo. He had also scratched at the golden circlet around his head, and some of the older priests whispered that it was a spiritual band used to enforce obedience through discomfort.

They had also talked of a white dragon that - Cheng'en Wu was a little unclear about this – provided transportation on their journey through some sort of transmutation. It seemed to be particularly Sanzo's pet, judging by how fondly Sanzo spoke of it, so obviously he must be the one to ride it . . . .

Cheng'en Wu sighed. There was so much to the story! Already his mind buzzed with the imagined encounters they had described, the demons they had fought, the people they had saved and battles survived.

Of course, that part of the story could be told with some artistic license. The important thing was that the characters were true to life. And he could rest assure that he described them completely accurately. After all, he had met them! How could he go wrong?

Happily, he began to write . . . . .

(Publisher's Note:

Journey to the West, the fictionalized tale based on an apparently true journey, depicts the adventures of the mild and pious Sanzo Houshi as he is guided west to achieve a high and noble end, by the intelligent but temperamental and ill-natured Son Gokuu, the lecherous and immature Cho Hakkai, and the good-natured but rather quiet Gojyo.

Somewhat less well known is the sequel to this famous tale, The Wrath of Sanzo, or How the Author was Nearly Hunted Down and Shot by a Saint. )

owari

A/N

I managed to get through that without any hint of philosophy, didn't I?

I watched Saiyuki first and then read the original, and while it's a great adventure, I was afforded no end of merriment imagining the expression on our Sanzo's face if he could read the many many instances when the original Sanzo fell off his horse (Hakuryuu of course), bawled like a baby or was otherwise the opposite of the bad-ass priest we all know and love (and are possibly shot by). It strikes me that for all four characters Kazuya Minekura made her versions the precise opposite of the originals. Man, that is just so cool.


End file.
